And So The Journey Begins

“Dear Joshua, I Thought He Was You” is a compilation of letters written in faith to my future husband. Dear Joshua highlights the long path I walked to get to true love, the struggles, and the spiritual fights.

As a young woman, I faced many challenges tunneling through the mazes of relationships and dating. Confusion riddled my mind, depression had the best of me and frustration won and I lost many times.

This journey was not an easy one. Journeys are not expected to always be smooth sailing and my journey began like any other, looking promising. Eager to experience love, I took many turns in my life that shook me to the core, broke me down, and tore me to pieces; but best of all, the journey built me.

My journey was a fight, a fight that I was determined to win though I was broken and oftentimes weak. Not knowing who I was, what I really wanted, and blinded by the devil’s devices, that was me: Miss Kaydian Malcolm.

My “single-hood” seemed like the worst time of my life, I was constantly searching for love, speaking into the atmosphere that I cannot be alone, being flirtatious, in and out of relationships, and being tossed around to and fro while losing “me”, the bit of me that I still was lost to.

You might be wondering, “where does being a Christian come in?” I wondered the very same thing. I was indeed a “Christian”, going to church, in dance groups, drama groups, choir, active in every way possible, yet I was struggling underneath. I tried to be the best as I could, I tried to help others to be their best, serving God and choosing right from wrong. So why was I struggling? I was struggling not because of obvious weakness, but because I simply had to. It took years to embrace my single life and to embrace the fact that God’s will was being perfected in my life despite the many painful falls I took.

Many believe that as a “Christian” things automatically fall into place, it does, but oftentimes it takes determination. As for me, I had none in the initial state of my life. All I had was a dream, a fairy tale dream that at the time I would magically fall in love with ‘any’ guy, get married with my millions of dollars, own many cars, have children, and live happily ever after. In reality, I was a broke high school student 16 years old, no intention of perusing higher education, and no real plan for my future. But to Glory be to God for having my best interest at heart.