Heightened Frustration

Dear Joshua, November 29, 2015

Here I am yearning and desiring you, but God is pulling me to service. It’s just a few days after my low feelings and trying to get my emotions stable when I decided to “wean” myself from you because it would hurt too much to see you choose her over me. Oh Lord, why are my emotions so out of sorts? When we’re together, I ignore you, I hardly speak to you hoping the feelings subside, but still, they remain. It’s strange, how in sync we are, I could sense when I’ll see you, I know your every move before you make them, yet it is not you?

Life goes on with a heightened level of frustration growing. Here I am wondering, are you the one, do you think about me the way I do? Shoot, do you even love me the way I do? The suspense is eating at me, is this how my life will be from here on out? Wishing, hoping, and wondering? Well, I won’t be wondering for long. I’m feeling compelled to talk to you about my feelings, but I’m scared to even be in the same space as you, to look at you much less to talk to you.

This is it, I’m tired of wondering, I’m tired of the suspense, so I took the phone and began typing away, and these are the words I penned to you:

“So ummm, we’ve been friends for years, helped each other through good and bad, watched you fall in and out of “love” (guessing by now you’re saying lawd gad) and right now I’m thinking (what are you doing girl, he is going to think you are crazy, think that you’re a punk and find other friends to share this message with), but keeping it to myself is gnawing at me. I know nothing will change or come from it, but we’ve grown so close to each other and we know each other almost inside out and what can I say I fell for you. I feel so immature and dumb now, but sigh; I would have expressed these feelings to you either way. This is why I’ve been so out of it, emotionally drained and frustrated. This is why I just can’t be happy for your relationship”

Oh Lord, tonight, November 29, 5015, 11:05 pm, I got the harsh truth, that I alone am feeling the way I feel. Yes, Joshua, I cried, but I’m a survivor. Now my wait continues for you.

Just so you know; you have a lot of work on your hands dealing with this built-up hurt, built-up rejection, and all the spiraling emotions that’s attached to them. What is the lesson in all this Joshua? I have no clue.

Signed: Little Miss ¨I feel like my heart is being ripped out¨