Sudden Shift

Dear Joshua, January 7, 2016

It’s just been 2 days after my last letter to you in which a sudden shift occurred; a blast from the past; my crush many years ago. He was a driving force that helped me to see the need to fast and pray for you. You were a close friend indeed, one whom I was myself around; all the good and bad of me.

You made a request that required much thought; do I want to be with you? Are you a rebound? Am I trying to push ahead of God by letting you in my life? Am I ready to hold a title and act on the title of “my girlfriend, my other half, or my significant other?” Am I really ready to give up my now accepted freedom I previously declared to enter the hustle and building of a relationship I’m not even sure about? I believe this is where God sits and rubs His chin and watches my next move.

A soul I can be free around, one who has seen me at my best and my worst, one who clenched at the story of my past and sweetly said “it doesn’t push me away”, that’s who you are. You’re the one who steps in with authority when I eat that ice-cream I shouldn’t be eating, one who lotions my dry ashy feet, The one I wished would man up years ago to be committed to making “us” a reality.

You got me fed up because you were in need of all my attention and affection without a commitment. So of course you had a relationship at the time, but to me, it was shaky and evident to be broken off. You got me upset; you wanted ¨milk¨ but refused to buy the cow. I sent you on your merry way and did all I could to sever all the attachments I had to you.

But here I am Joshua, giving you a chance, and I must be honest, I am not settled in my spirit. Why do I feel this way? Is it not you? Is this feeling a way of communication from God? Or is it the devil trying to blind me from seeking the blessing of God? I don’t know Joshua, I don’t know.

Signed: Miss thinking for a while