The Journey Continues

Dear Joshua, March 1, 2016

It’s been a while since I have written to you. I am still tying you, I’m still trying us. I wasn’t on cloud 9 or so high in love with you, but internal conflicts gnawed at me weekly. No doubt I thought this could be you in the rough but I stepped slowly and lightly trying to protect my heart.

Your unattractive qualities were a lot but didn’t outweigh the good, so I gave you a chance; a chance that gave me the drive to put in the work ‘for you’; to war on your behalf. So my dear Joshua, what started out as a prayer list for you, evolved into my book. Yes, you inspired it all. God deposited the best and most effective way to make the foundation of marriage strong and that is to war in prayer and fasting. Though the daily outpouring from God, I just can’t seem to feel at ease with you. I feel neglected, I feel like I have to fight for your affection, for your trust, and for the opportunity to grow together spiritually. Joshua, there is so much more that I require and there is so much more that I deserve.

It took me almost 3 months to realize that he is not you. As I pen the words of this letter to you, the tug-o-war rages on in my mind. Am I making the right choice walking away? Was he just apart of my life just to inspire my book? Was he to teach me something? The journey continues my love, it continues.

I know this uneasiness is a clear indication that God is talking, but how do I even begin to even address this situation that I knowingly walked into? Am I adding to his hurt and his trust issues? Or am I setting him back from an internal fight he has been fighting? Now I know the importance of waiting on God because it doesn’t just affect me but others as well.

Joshua, your delay in my life is now understood. I needed to learn, I needed to understand. We have work to do, and our young, naïve, petty personalities, thinking, and actions couldn’t have gotten the job done. I now appreciate the fact that we are maturing for each other to be effective in God´s kingdom. It is not us that live, but Christ that lives in us.

I know you are maturing also, I know that you are getting revelations, outpourings, and testings’ from the Lord. So as a part of my maturing, I must try to correct the mistake I made, so I sent him this message,

“So after a few weeks of thinking, I realize that I’m not ready for a relationship as yet. I understand that this relationship, in particular, takes a lot and I’m just not in the mind to work at it…and all that I really require, I came to the understanding that you can’t give me, I’m sorry for wasting your time though”

I know it sounds harsh, but it was not my intention and at that moment I realize that I was just like the others who caused me hurt. The effects of having my own way and refusing to wait on God I tell you, it’s not easy, it’s not easy at all.

Signed: Miss Walking through the journey