"The Voices in my Head"

When I turned and walked away without trying to salvage the "could have, possibly, maybe" relationship, I walked through a door I never suspected. My broken emotions still had me on a leash but I was sick and tired of my past and insecurities dictating my life.

A miserable lonely and depressing birthday caught me pining over a guy that tore my heart to shreds. I'm smiling on the outside but a mess on the inside. Are you ok? Yes, I'm great!

I found myself reflecting on 2010 to the present and I locked away in tears. The deception, lies, corny pick up lines I fell for, the stupid childish emotions I was caught up in, the latched on low self-esteem that keeps lowering my standards to obviously bad relationship choices, the list went on and on.

Yes, the darkroom, broken emotions, and runny puffy eyes created the perfect atmosphere for the "you won't get a husband who is good" "you're overused and what good man wants that" "your situation will never change, just die" voices.

I felt like I was literally going mad, slapping my head to silence the voices, burying my head in my pillow to get some seconds of peace, insanity wanted to get me.

I wanted to turn back the hands of time to 2010 so I could tell that guy to look the other way, I wanted to be the enthusiastic fairy tale girl that made good choices, to meet my prince charming and get married and live happily ever after, to be on the praise team, spotless youth leader, giving to charity, helping the poor and changing the world.

I had good intentions for my life, now it seems a quick erase of me from existence is best.